Not sure what to do

(I'm publishing this post now because I'd never read it until just now. It brought tears to my eyes, remembering this time in our lives. Rob wrote this just a few weeks before his transplant came along.)

It has been an on going problem for the past few months where my fistula has been bothering me. The problem is, it keeps clotting off or becoming inaccessible which makes it hard to do dialysis if I can't access the access. It came to a head on Wednesday night when the tech's had to stick me 6 or so times to no avail. I know they were trying hard, but the thrill was weak and they kept pulling out clots. The disturbing part is when I go to see a Doctor, for some reason, they can feel it and they tell me it feels strong and there shouldn't be a problem sticking it.

I want to ask them to come to my clinic to do my sticks if it is so easy.

Anyway, I went to the clinic that clears out the problem and the entire time, the Doc is telling me how hard my arm is to work on. He had wires and ballons in my arm all the way up to my shoulder, cleaning out different pathways, trying to make something last. He showed me what he was doing on the monitor and nothing wanted to stay open, even after hours of trying to blow them open. Needless to say, my left arm feels like it was crushed in a compactor.

Danielle came back to pick me up and take me to dialysis and we drove on up to Davita. I got set up and ready for the stick. I am not sure if my arm was too tender from all the work that had just been done on it or what, but the sticks felt like they were driving nails into my arm. Even then, then pain normally subsides right after the stick, this didn't. They had trouble keeping pressures at a decent level throughout the treatment and this was the first time my treatment felt like torture for the entire time. In order to be able to run, I had to have my elbow hyperextended and the placement of the needles hurt. I tried to put myself in a happy place and floated in and out of it. The pain kept dragging me back to reality. I tried to sleep, but I never fully went under because of the pain in my arm.

Once the Bataan Death treatment was over, Danielle and I ran over to Green Tango and picked up some dinner to take to Forest Hills park. It was such a beautiful afternoon, we couldn't resist.

The rest of the day, my arm felt like it was clamped in a vice, then I started to really worry. Crazy thoughts started going through my head, like I won't be able to keep proper blood flow to my arm and end up losing it. How am I supposed to hold my wife and my daughter with only one arm?!?